Confidences
by Elennare
Summary: "As for Mother actually crying over something they'd done, Susan couldn't understand how the Amazons could bear it." A conversation between Susan and Peggy, after the Amazons' attack on Swallowdale.


A thousand thank-yous to my awesome beta, bluealoe, for her fantastic work on this story. Any remaining mistakes are entirely my fault!

Written for mrsredboots, for Yuletide 2013.

* * *

Susan looked over at Peggy as they did the washing up together in the little stream that flowed through Swallowdale. The others were all busy with their own pursuits, further up the valley; John had brought out the map of the lake, and they had gathered around it to plan expeditions. Now she finally had a chance to talk to her friend alone, and ask about what had been troubling her ever since Nancy's fierce words about the Great-Aunt earlier.

"Peggy?" she began. "I know it's rotten of the Great-Aunt to spoil your holidays, but… if it's upsetting your mother so much… couldn't you try to get on with her, just for a few days? Surely she's not going to stay long."

Peggy snorted. "Oh, isn't she? She's likely to stay the whole holidays, just so she can make everyone miserable! And we do try, even though we hate it, but we can't help being late for meals sometimes when we're out on the fells or the lake. And she wants us to be in best frocks all the time, weeding the lawn, or playing the piano, and being seen but not heard - " she broke off suddenly as a particularly fierce swipe over a plate sent water splashing everywhere. The impromptu shower seemed to calm her, and she continued in a more measured tone. "You Swallows wouldn't be able to bear it either. Honestly, Susan, it's worth getting into trouble for being late if it means we can get away from her for a while and be Amazon pirates, not good little ladies."

Susan could do nothing but stare at her for a moment, rather shocked by the outburst from cheerful Peggy. Of course, she realised she didn't really know what life was like in their home at the moment, and she could imagine how much the active Blackett girls would hate their great-aunt's idea of proper behaviour. Something was still troubling her, though.

"Nancy said she made your mother cry over it," she finally replied, going to the heart of the matter. Susan couldn't begin to picture doing something that upset her mother so much; last year, just the thought of Mother being worried when she heard about their night sailing had disturbed her badly, so that she had been short with everyone all day. As for Mother actually crying over something they'd done, she couldn't understand how the Amazons could bear it.

"You think we're being beasts to upset Mother, don't you?" Peggy sighed, placing a mug on the pebbly beach to dry. She knew Susan well enough by now to guess from her tone that was what the other girl was thinking, even if she hadn't said it. "But it isn't just us and our being late or untidy, you know. The GA would probably go for Mother even if we were perfect angels."

Susan frowned. "What do you mean?"

Peggy looked around quickly, making sure none of the others were within hearing. John and Nancy, with Roger to get in the way, were still poring over the map, and Titty was talking to Polly in his cage. They were all too far to hear anything she said. "Promise you won't tell anyone about this?" she asked in a low voice.

"I promise," Susan replied earnestly.

"Well… I don't know if we're supposed to know this really, we've put it together from things we've heard over the years, but - the Great-Aunt didn't want Mother to marry Father. We once overheard Uncle Jim saying that was the only thing she ever really defied the Great-Aunt over. And as long as I can remember, whenever she's really nagging Mother, she always brings Father into it, and that's what gets Mother so upset." Peggy stopped, biting her lip.

Susan reached out and squeezed her arm gently, not knowing what else to do. Peggy gave her a faint smile in return, even as she began determinedly scrubbing another plate.

"I suppose maybe if we behaved exactly as she'd like us to, she wouldn't nag Mother so much, but I'm not sure… and anyway, Nancy would go stark raving mad within a week if she had to behave like that all the time!" she said after a few seconds, in a fair approximation of her usual tones.

Susan nodded, thinking how true it was. Wild Nancy would never be able to cope with acting like a lady when there was a lake out there, just waiting for pirates to sail on it. "Wouldn't you go mad, too?" she asked thoughtfully.

"A little, but it would be worse for Nancy, I think. You know what she's like, she wants to always be having adventures - and we have to behave enough during term time, it's not fair to make us be on our best behaviour in the holidays too. Mother understands that… and do you know, she always seems a bit sad when we're doing things the Great-Aunt likes, like playing the piano in our best frocks? I think it's because that's not really how she wants us to behave - well, it can't be, or she'd have brought us up like that! She wants us to have fun, to have adventures, even if she does worry about us sometimes. Do you understand?" she asked eagerly, hoping she was making it clear.

Susan nodded slowly, thinking. "I suppose it's a bit like Daddy's telegram last year, the one about 'better drowned than duffers'. They want us to be independent; of course we make mistakes sometimes, but we learn from them." As she said that, she remembered how their last mistake had sent Swallow to the bottom of the lake, and shivered as she thought of how terrified Mother must have been when she heard of it.

They worked in silence for a little while, both deep in thought, then Peggy spoke again.

"Besides, it's what Uncle Jim said to Mother, about how Father would have liked us. He died in the War, did you know?"

"No… I knew he was gone, but I didn't know what had happened to him," Susan replied softly. "Do you remember him?" She wasn't entirely surprised to hear it; several of her classmates had also lost family members in the War, or in the flu epidemic that followed.

Peggy shook her head. "I was just a baby. Nancy can just remember him, she thinks; not much, just his laugh. But he was friends with Uncle Jim, so he must be telling the truth about him liking us the way we are, and… Well, we want to be daughters he'd have been proud of." She broke off, biting her lip again and blinking fiercely.

Susan left her handful of cutlery to dry and slid over to Peggy. Sitting beside her, she wrapped an arm around her friend's shaking shoulders.

"I understand now," she said. "I'm sorry I didn't before, and I'm sorry I've upset you…" She thought of how all the Swallows, especially John, tried to make Daddy proud of them. Of how happy they were when he said he was pleased with them on his rare shore leaves.

Peggy gave her a rather weak version of her usual smile. "That's all right," she replied, struggling to keep her voice normal despite the lump in her throat. "I'm glad I could talk about it with you, really. Nancy doesn't really like to talk much about all this…" She trailed off, not wanting to be disloyal to her sister, but Susan understood.

"Whenever you want to talk about it again, I'll listen," she answered.

"Thanks, Susan," Peggy said, then picked up the last mug left to be washed. "Now, let's finish this before the others come to see why we're taking so long!"

The last of the washing up was swiftly finished; and if Peggy surreptitiously washed her face as well, Susan carefully didn't notice. She did, however, notice and return her friend's grateful smile.


End file.
